I am disappointed in myself

It’s about 11:30 PM here in Busan, and I’m taking a moment in my hotel room to reflect on the whirlwind of the past few days before heading back to Seoul. As promised, these are just my thoughts—nothing more.

Looking back, I used to convince myself the only possible reason to return to Korea would be to meet my birth mother. In hindsight, I’m disappointed in myself for having that mindset. I built a barrier, towards Korean culture. The reasons for which aren’t entirely clear to me. I don’t attribute it to a sense of unwantedness, but I’m only guessing here, a possible reluctance and frustration ? although I have not entirely figured out that part yet. I began searching for my birth mother in my early teenage years, and perhaps over time, the rejection emails and calls from the agency have caused the gap of my connection to my birth culture to grow wider.

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I came to this realisation at a specific point during my travels. A few days ago, I explored one of the most magnificent and beautiful places, Gyeonbokgung Palace (built in 1395). I spent time dressed in a Hanbok—the traditional Korean attire with my photographer capturing what I felt were pure moments of stillness, happiness and calmness. Indeed, there were individuals from various parts of the world wearing similar outfits rented from nearby stores, yet, for me, the sentiment surpassed the mere act of dressing up. In that particular experience, I had a feeling which transcended the superficial association with cultural attire. Like I said, I’m yet to put an exact understanding to the feeling, but I can tell you that it felt different from what a dress up feels like.

But anyway, as the days inch closer to the anticipated reunion with my birth mother, I’m feeling a profound sense of peace. Regardless of how the reunion unfolds, this journey has already gifted me with a renewed connection to Korea—one that surpasses my initial expectations. It’s a connection deeply rooted in self-discovery and turning this adventure into a chapter of unexpected personal growth.

Talk Soon