What it means to me….

If you asked me this two years ago, I do not know what my answer would have exactly been but it has definitely changed. I think in one simple word; it means everything. I do not think I would give up completely everything in my life to find biological parents (now that would be a bit dramatic) but this search is enough for me to drop everything I am currently doing and travel to Korea if I found them, an action in itself, which I suppose is yes, dramatic.

Being able to elaborate on what ‘everything’ actually means is harder than it seems. I started this blog back in April 2015  in the hope that my blog would help me find the courage to continue my search to find them. Surprisingly, I have found that this blog has merely been a tool, which has enabled me to discover how strong my desire to search for my biological parents actually is.

Since I have searched all over social media sites looking up their names, both in Korean and English and have not yet found anything. I have joined several databases online in hope that they may come across my profile.

Some of you may have concerns that I have high hopes and I am putting in a lot of time and effort to find them when the prospects of success are so low. A concern that has been expressed to me and isn’t unfounded.

To be honest, I do have high hopes, which do grow ever so slightly everyday. I have put in so much effort but my main comfort is that if nothing comes of this journey then at least I know I have done everything I can to try and find them. It is a worse reality for me if I avoid disappointment by not trying my hardest, because really that is no way to live.

My constant strength is my hope, pushing me, encouraging me and supporting me as the looming uncertainty of this journey is constantly reminded to me. Yes, hope can hurt you when it is unfulfilled, but hope is something, which I feel you can not live without no matter what.

This search is more than just knowing what they look like, it is discovering my identity, knowing the life they’ve lived, discovering my possible blood related cousins, aunties, uncles, grandparents and who knows, maybe I have even more siblings!

They will all be strangers but yet they are still a part of who I am. There is no other way to describe it, but just knowing will be the final piece of my puzzle, or maybe I will finish this first puzzle to realise how many more puzzles I have left to solve.

I started this journey unsure, but now I am ready to be vulnerable, to let my walls down and risk being hurt. Because the small chance I have to discover more about myself and who I am, is far more important to me then not knowing at all.