The Waiting Game

It’s been a long time since I last posted, I’ve been overseas and have only just gotten back into the routine of reality. But as Spring starts, I decided it’s finally time to submit my application, in hope that some questions can be answered.

Even I’m surprised it took me as long as it did, but you see, filling out the application is the easy part; the hard part is having the courage to send it off.

One simple, envelope holds the potential for me to finally be able to talk, or even one day meet my birth parents…something which has always seemed just out of my reach.

But that one envelope also holds my fear, my fear that it will be received and never answered (ignored?), my fear of rejection. I guess we all fear it to a certain degree, and we all suffer from the anxiety that our risk of having hope will only lead to the pain and hurt of bitter disappointment. But isn’t that what makes success so much sweeter, the very fact that it could’ve gone so wrong?

From where I stand currently however, I’ve already been rejected, not just once, but every time I’ve let my mind think about it. Of course, I tell myself that my birth parents were only thinking about my future, giving me up because they believed themselves unable to provide me with all the opportunities someone else could. And naturally, I feel so grateful; if it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t have the most loving family and friends, nor be writing this today. But I’m human, and we all have our dark moments, and there is an unfathomable sadness that lives in your core when you live unaware of the real reason your parents gave up, despite the constant love that surrounds you.

So, I guess if I’m being honest, it’s not a surprise at all it took me so long to submit my application; it has definitely played with me emotionally and mentally. As part of the application process there is an option to write a letter to your birth parents, if the agency manages to get in contact with them.

How do you write a letter to your parents when they are complete strangers?
I decided to give them an insight, just a small picture into what I have grown to be – not an autobiography, just a brief part of my soul, and hope that I’m everything they hoped I would become. This is what I managed:

‘Hi…

If you are reading this, it means I have managed to find you. I hope you are doing well. I have been curious for so long as to what you do, where you are and what your life is like.
You might even have a whole new family of your own.

I currently study full-time at the University of Wollongong majoring in Human Resource Management and Business Law. I am 20 years old. I have been a dancer since I was 3 years old and have loved it ever since. My favourite style is contemporary and hip-hop. I work currently as a Human Resources Consultant and a dance teacher.

I was adopted into a family with two brothers (also adopted) and a sister (who was fostered). My parents provided me with a healthy and happy life, which I am grateful for.

I know giving me up might have been a tough decision for you to make. I know you would of only been thinking about giving me the best opportunity in life and providing me with a life you feel you could not of given me.

People say I have an outgoing personality and that I am quite funny. I wonder if I get that from you. I really hope you choose to get in contact with me, as I know it would mean the world to me.

Sara‘

Did I say something wrong? Did I say something right? There is nothing I have to go off, no guide or person to ask – just my hope and my heart. And so begins the waiting game, at least it’s done and you know what? If my parents ever read my letter, I hope they at least know one thing; I had courage.