It’s Over

Maybe I am being dramatic, maybe I am not.

On the 15th of February I felt a vibrate from my phone, I looked and saw it was an email from Family and Community Services (NSW). I remember glancing at my phone for what seemed like a few minutes, but was probably only 30 seconds. I couldn’t think clearly at that time and everything seemed to slow down. I was unsure if opening the email while I was at work was a good idea. Only because I wouldn’t of had time to process my thoughts about the information in the email.  Although if you know me well, you would know the anticipation of not knowing something was going to kill me inside. So really, I had to open it. I really had no idea what it was going to say, although for some reason I had this gut feeling it wasn’t going to be the best of news.

I got my phone, opened it up and I saw that it was not from my usual case worker. It had a brief explanation why my case worker had not contacted me, due to going on leave. Then the case worker got directly to the point and said:

“I received a response from Eastern yesterday and they have provided an update. Unfortunately, they have not been able to find your birth father. Further to this, they have sent 3 letters to your birth mother, but unfortunately have not had a response. I am sorry to advise that there is nothing further Eastern can do.”

What, that’s it? …….

Such a short response, no information about what is to happen next. I quickly typed back an email and asked her to call me. I guess you could say I was not happy with this response and for those who have been following my blog for the past year, would know how important this is to me.

After 3 hours, I received a phone call. My thoughts were all over the place, I had questions still, questions that have not yet been answered. It seemed to come to an end so suddenly, a search for more than a year, over within one email, one paragraph, 4 lines.

I spoke with the case worker, she said to come back within 2 years to try and search again. When she said 2 years, I clarified with her making sure she said 2 years instead of 2 weeks, 2 months….. nope, she definitely said 2 years. A lot can happen in two years.

I seeked further clarification from the case worker about the notification process and what information is disclosed to my birth mother. I just wanted to make sure, they actually tried. The case worker stated they have not seen the letter and the information will not be released to them by Eastern Child Welfare Society. They did mention the letter contains the birth parents name, that they are finding family of a person born in 1995 and hint at the fact that it is about their child.

The case worker just kept talking about how to try again later and she understands how hard it is, but does she really? Not even I knew how hard it would be reading those words or listening to her say it over the phone. Yes, while I did know it was always a possible outcome, it did not seem like a real possibility through the process. I guess you can say, I was really counting on only hearing good news.

I wanted to make sure the agency tried everything, how can they ensure that the letters are going to her? I asked her if they were they sure it was her address.
The response was:

“You don’t know without absolute certainty, unless she signs for it. The individual who mails the letter, doesn’t always has it signed off. There is a family register in Korea kind of like an electoral search here in Australia, so it most likely contains her current address.”

The case worker then started speaking about reasons why this could be the case, I knew them all… really I just did not want to hear them. Without cutting her off and blocking out most of what she said, I promise unintentionally.  I politely asked her if she would notify me if anything further came to light and she reassured me she would. That was the end of the conversation and the search for at least 2 years……..

So yes, I was being quite dramatic. Maybe it will only forever be two pages pending.

What am I going to be doing for the next 2 years? I am going to continue with my blog, I have some ideas of further posts and hope that this becomes more than just a blog for people to read about my journey, but a better insight of information about the journey of adoptees.

If you are new to my blog, you can read my journey from the start by clicking here.