Answers to my fears or hopes?

The idea of a journey implies a beginning, middle and an end…. But over the two weeks I have discovered that it is not that simple. I seem to be always stuck in the middle with highs, lows and unexpected encounters along the way.

An unexpected encounter in my journey led to a phone call on Friday the 15^th of April regarding the search for my biological parents. The realisation of the call led me on an emotional rollercoaster of both highs and lows.

It was a normal Friday and I just got home from university, everything happening how it should be when I received a call from my caseworker from the adoption agency. She asked if I could talk, and every single fear and hope that I have shared on this blog rushed into my mind. Was this going to be the answers to my fears? Is the search now over? Will I never get the opportunity to find my biological parents? Or was it the news I have been hoping for, have they been found? When could I go to Korea to meet them?.

The conversation started off with small talk, although I hardly remember what she was saying. All I can remember is my heart pounding so fast and feeling anxious to hear what she was going to say, I just needed to know.

“I have not forgotten you and I know you have been waiting to hear information, at the moment they have found the address of your birth mother……. I received the current address for the birth mother, the birth father was unable to be found. They will send a letter to your birth mother”

I will never really be able to articulate the emotions and thoughts following the news, quite a lot of tears fell out of my eyes and even now, two weeks later I do not know if it was out of joy, excitement, relief, shock or just from simply being overwhelmed. I was speechless throughout the rest of the conversation and the only words that came out of my mouth were “ oh my gosh” and “ok”. I think the caseworker was getting a bit worried by the few words I spoke, although she knew how important the information was to me. Despite everything I really was not prepared to hear that, even though I had hoped and hoped to hear those exact words.

I have been writing in my blog about finding my biological parents and not knowing the full implications of this. I now know that she is alive, breathing, existing and that she will know I am looking for her.

The Ball is now in her court and she could very well chose to never return it to me. This is an overwhelming thought that consumed me initially, this whole time it has mainly been the battle of What if I can never find them? BBut now I have to come to terms with the fact that I am no longer in control of the situation, and my birth mother could very well make the choice to leave the past in the past and not return my desire to meet and build a relationship with me. A choice, which could hurt me but also a choice that I understand.

This new part of my journey has been unexpected, as I face a new sort of waiting, a waiting for her choice and the very strong possibility that her choice not to contact me, could bring this journey to an end. Am I ready for it end, of course not. But I do not resent where this journey has taken me, and am thankful for being given the chance to find her. The support I have received from all my family and friends has been incredible and I am so grateful I get to share this with you all.

Sara

Xx

Also a big thanks to Alex for helping me place my thoughts into this post!