As part of the process to find my birth parents, I have received a ‘guide’ from the Department of Community and Family Services to prepare for the hard reality that I might never be able to find my birth parents.
Or even worse, that although found, they won’t share my desire for contact.
The first few pages of the guide overwhelmed me, the multiple questions instilling fear that this search may be pointless, and all this emotion, hope and time will be unfortunately come to nothing. The questions directly made me confront all the possibilities of this journey, not just on me but also for the people in my life.
How might those close to me be affected by my search?
Does the search for my biological parents imply that my loving parents were not enough? Does this offend them? This question created a million doubts, but they are so supportive of me regardless.
Can you accept difficult information if you find it?
The best answer is yes, the right answer is yes. But my real answer is no matter how much I can pretend not to be filled with hope, finding out difficult information would be really hard on me. On anyone.
How will I cope if I do not get the answers I am looking for?
Sadness and disappointment, these are the first two feelings that came to my mind. But I truly have no idea how I would react, as this experience is nothing like I have embarked on before.
What fantasies do you hold?
Well at first I did not have any but when I think about it I do.
I hope that they are good people and they are happy.
What are my fears?
My fears match my hopes, every fantasy, every wish, every step that led me to this journey and every blog post is tinged with my fears. The fear of disappointment, the fear of rejection… But the worst fear of nothing, of all this searching and simmering expectations for nothing.
And then there is my answer to the final question;
Am I ready for an emotional rollercoaster?
It is already too late for me not to see this journey through, I am charging forward no matter what…
But can anyone really ever be prepared for something like this?